TOTALLY CONFUSED

I don't think I understand what is going on in my life anymore. I don't think I was ever one to have everything figured out, but things just didn't bother me. Somewhere in time, I have become a critical, negative, maybe even bitter person. Do I like myself for it? No! I think I have lost sight of who I really am in Christ. It's easy to get sidetracked. It's easy to go from the utter presence of God to barely feel Him with me.
I see things in a different light now. I don't want to, but I do. I'm more offensive and easily angered. Small, unimportant things get to me. Why can't I let most of it go? I have been so hurt in my life. Not just recently, but throughout my whole life. I have endured ridicule, sarcasm, hate, and much more. I forgave and moved on. I overcame my past by allowing God to have control of my present and future. Why is it so hard for me now? Why is forgetting getting harder with time? I should be a pro at forgiving and forgetting, but with each passing day I feel me slipping farther and farther into a black hole of hurt and anger. I feel suffocated at times. I feel there is no way out.
I need you Holy Spirit to help me. I need you to guide me into all truth and wisdom. I need your peace and joy to take me to new heights. I need your strength to carry me in the weak areas of my heart. My heart is so ugly and full of disappointment. But you come and create a clean heart. You wipe away the tears and bring healing. I accept the Blood of Jesus to wash away every ounce of hurt, disappointment, resentment, bitterness, anger, and all the emotional scars that went with it. Jesus, forgive me for not being more like you. Forgive me for the complaining and whining and the gossipping. Forgive me of the unforgiveness. Forgive me and wash me clean. Remove the stain until you remain.
I pray peace over my enemies. I pray love and acceptance over them. I pray truth and compassion to be their companions. Let the Love of Christ reign in their hearts and in their lifes.

Is LOVE really enough?

Many people often say Love isn't enough to keep a relationship together. I don't know if that is true or not, but here is my opinion:
When do 2 people usually fall in love? I believe it's in a point in their life where everything is going good. They are on top of the world....their world. I believe it is in these good times that 2 people can fall in love. Wouldn't it be hard to fall in love in the midst of chaos? First off, your mind is not on trying to find someone. You're trying to get through difficult situations. This is how it was for me. I fell in love with a wonderful man when my world was good. I was happy, energetic and didn't have a care in the world. I married that man and had his son.
But let me tell you...it has been extremely difficult lately. We have been fighting a lot and getting on each other's nerves. It takes a lot for me to say this. Last night I sat in bed questioning my love for him. If something happened to him, or our son, would love be strong? I know I have affection for him, but was it love I felt thinking about the what if's? Then the Lord showed me that Love is not a feeling. LOVE IS A COMMITMENT. Through the good and the bad and the ugly.
Many people give up on love because they don't think they have it anymore. They fell in love when the "felt" it. They stayed in love because they got married next...a magical time. But the marriage doesn't last because love has lost it's power.
I believe LOVE is enough. God is love. "Three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love!" Love can conquer a multitude of sin. Love, if given properly, can overcome evil. It can overcome the anger and rage. If God is love, and many people leave marriage because love is gone, does that mean that God is gone? Does that mean He is not center of the marriage anymore? I believe so. I believe divorce and separation is not in God's plan for marriage.
My grandparents were married for 63 years. In the end, I know they loved each other. No, it was the glamor love like you have in the beginning, but it was an everlasting love that was meant to be for every marriage. I'm sure they had their difficult seasons, but they got through it.
I want that marriage. I am a bit of a romantic, and I do want the "glamor" love all the time, but I have to realize that love is a process. There are many stages and seasons in love and I MUST enjoy everyone of them....or life will pass by and I will be miserable and lonely. I love my husband, and I want to stay by his side. He is the only one I want to be with. He is the only one who still melts my heart, who my body still longs for, and who takes my cares away with just one kiss from his tender lips.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through EVERY circumstance. Love will last forever...

I realize that we are in a new place and chapter in our lives. Moving to Houston is a drastic change. Especially for two small town, country folk, like ourselves! Oh, how I miss the simple, country life. Long for it, desire it. I am thankful that both our parents still live in the country. We have a haven to retreat to when things get a little hectic. The fresh air, green grass, slow pace, front porch swings and horse watching! Everything makes sense when you are in your element. A Baker doesn't belong at a Butcher Block. But like most of the human race, he will adapt to his surroundings. He may not have what it takes to bake a cake, but he does have different tools and machines to use to create a different masterpiece. He may not have the mental capability to work with "meat", but when you are around it day in and day out, you learn things not in your area of expertise.

I am that Baker. I have been taken out of my element into a totally different place. A place I never thought I would live, much less survive. But like the Baker, I have learned to adapt to the city life. I don't like it. I am still country at heart, but I have learned a few different things here. Spiritual things.

Like the Israelites, even in the desert they were given Quail and Manna to "survive." I am beginning to understand what my Quail and Manna might be. But I do realize that the Quail and Manna were only suppose to be a temporary satisfaction. It was not the ultimate fulfillment of their life. God didn't take them out of bondage just to have Quail and Manna. He took them out of bondage for the Land of Milk and Honey. Quail and Manna were just the "pit stop" of fulfillment. I am in the pit stop of life. After wondering around, I have discovered my temporary satisfaction here. It took a year, but I found it. I guess a year is better than 40!

But this also means the Promise Land must be around the bend. Whether it be next year or 10 years! I must not make this season of quail and manna the ultimate stopping ground. In other words, what I am learning now is not the last level God wants me to go to. There is a Promise Land of levels to reach.

Cloth Diapers!

Well, I took the plunge!!! After a considerable amount of reading and talking to friends about the benefits of cloth diapers, I decided to give them a try. I know I would be investing some money in this, so I didn't want to jump in it not knowing what I was doing! We just started them yesterday. I haven't done too many, because I'm still getting use to them. I do like the patterns, very cute. Plus, once I get the hang of it, I know I will like them. They are practical and so much better for baby.

So things I have read about disposable diapers put me into a state of shock. I had no idea how HARMFUL these things were. Yes, that's right, I said harmful! First off, they are full of toxins, perfumes and chemicals to help absorb more liquid. But because it is really absorbant, the toxins mix with the ammonium in the urine and can cause liver and kidney disease, cancer, suffocation and so much more. They have found that the same chemical in tampons that cause Toxic Shock Syndrome is the same chemical in Diapers. Crazy huh? And that's just the beginning! But the main reason I am doing cloth diapers is because it is better financially. I can use these same diapers on the next babies that come along. It does help potty train fast because the child does not want to sit in a wet cloth for long periods of time like they would a regular diaper.

I really hope it works out. So far so good. I have to tell what happened with the first cloth diaper I tried. I was a little nervous about changing a poopy cloth diaper. Just so happens the first diaper I had to change was a poopy one! Yay for me! Corban was a little unsure about the cloth diapers so he's fussing the whole time. I don't know where to lay the wipes once I'm done wipping! Finally got another diaper on him and he's still crying in one arm with the diaper and wipes in the other! Go to the trash can to throw away the wipes and Corban's pacifier almost falls in the trash. I caught it with the diaper hand. Gross. Thank God nothing touched it. Took Corban, the diaper and pacifier to the bathroom where I atempted to throw the poop away. It goes...PLOP, right on the toilet seat. I put Corban down, go back to the toilet and with paper, push it in the bowl. Flush it away, sanitize the seat, pick Corban up and all is well. What a great first experience.

Creativity

So I was in a creative mood today. Haven't had one of those in a while. I love doing artistic things, but sometimes I don't necessarily have the time. Because it has been so long since I've done any hands on projects, I was a little out of practice. But today, I went to Hobby Lobby and started to let my imagination run wild. Have to admit, I asked one of the associates to help give me a jump start into a project. Decided to do something I have NEVER done before: I made an arrangement basket.

It didn't take long, but I did it! Because I have never done this before, I don't even know if it looks good! I think it looks good considering I've never done it before! I think I am going to surprise my mother in law and give it to her on Wednesday. (Taking a trip to visit so she can watch Corban!)

On a different note: I would like to find a way where I can put my interest and hearts desires into a marketing catagory where I can start making a little money. I love to do artsy things and I LOVE LOVE LOVE to bake. Especially around the holidays! So if any of my fellow bloggers have an idea on how to make a little money using things I love to do, please let me know. I'm open to any and every suggestion.

Run for Fun

Well, I joined a running group last night! So excited! I needed to do this for myself. Not only to get into shape, but for some ME-time. It's a group of Moms that meet in my area of Houston and train for marathons! Our first one will be a 5K on October 3rd. If we are still wanting to continue training, there is a 10K marathon on October 31st. If we still want to go on, there is a half marathon sometime in February or March. I have always wanted to run in a marathon. I use to run cross-country in High School, but that was almost a decade ago. WOW! Life speeds along in the fast lane once you graduate HS!

Anyways, I met some wonderful moms last night. I am so glad that I bit the bullet and got out to do this. Corban had to come with me because Wes was working, and I didn't have anyone to watch my little Bambino! He loves the jogging stroller though. Loves the outdoors! I am, for the most part, a social person. I love people and talking and hanging out. But when you don't get out too much and you are always with a baby, you start to become some what of a recluse. Kind of like learning Spanish. I took 3 years of Spanish and don't remember any of it because I never was around anyone to practice. Same with me and new experiences. Because I am not around it all the time anymore, it takes a lot of effort on my part to step out of my comfort zone. But once I take the plunge, it all goes down hill from there!

We only worked on a mile last night. My goal by the end of this 8-week session is to be able to run atleast 5 miles. I'm pretty sure I will be able to do this....I HOPE!

I encourage you, even if you are not a runner, to get out atleast 30 minutes a day. Do something for yourself. This is a great time to reflex on the day, what you need to do and a perfect time for prayer. Praying in one of the best ways for time to go by fast when running. It is also a great stress reliever. I usually sing to myself when running or listen to my worship music. We can always go to the mall or get our nails done, or even rent a movie. But how often do we do a little exercise? I know I don't do it as much as I use to, but this is a brand new start for me.

So get up and get going!

Healthly Habits are right around the corner!

Coming Back

Well, after having Corban, I think my social life has slowed down tremendously. I use to be so good about checking my Myspace, Facebook, Twitter, and Blog. Now, I realize it is months before I sign in again. I will try to be better at letting everyone know what is going on. Not that you would really want to know, but it's nice to be informed.

Corban is really growing. Already 5 months old, he is rolling forwards, backwards, upside down and around. Ok, not upside down, but he is everywhere. It won't be long before he is crawling around. Which reminds me that I will need to vacuum very often. You don't realize how dirty your house is until your child is putting things in his mouth and rolling around. He has already ate cereal, carrots, sweet potatoes and apple sauce. The carrots and sweet potatoes are homemade. You can't be too certain of what they are putting in baby food these days. Not that I'm entirely against it, I just like to monitor what goes in Corban's mouth, as well as mine and Wes'.

Life is pretty much the same here in Houston. Always fast pace. It hasn't been too bad lately. I guess you learn to grow where you are planted. Think about it: Most plants grow the best covered in manuer. I feel like I'm in a manuer factory right now. So maybe there will be some growth to follow. That is my desire right now. I long to grow in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus. I desire to know him in an intimate way as he designed for it to be. I feel lately as though I have walked through the Valley of the Shadow of Death. All around me, people I have loved and things I treasured have gone. My pastor prophesied over me and said that because of the intensity of death that has been in my life this last year, God is bringing a more intensity of LIFE in my life. I desire to let Living Waters flow out of me. I desire to let the Spirit of the Living God make himself known in my life to others. Living Waters- he didn't say Waters, or rushing waters. But living waters. All that touch the water of God will become alive. There are things in the waters of Christ that are Living.

LIVE AS THOUGH YOU HAVE NEVER LIVED BEFORE IN CHRIST. GROW AS YOU HAVE NEVER BEFORE GROWN IN CHRIST. AND DANCE AS YOU HAVE NEVER BEFORE DANCED IN CHRIST.