TOTALLY CONFUSED

I don't think I understand what is going on in my life anymore. I don't think I was ever one to have everything figured out, but things just didn't bother me. Somewhere in time, I have become a critical, negative, maybe even bitter person. Do I like myself for it? No! I think I have lost sight of who I really am in Christ. It's easy to get sidetracked. It's easy to go from the utter presence of God to barely feel Him with me.
I see things in a different light now. I don't want to, but I do. I'm more offensive and easily angered. Small, unimportant things get to me. Why can't I let most of it go? I have been so hurt in my life. Not just recently, but throughout my whole life. I have endured ridicule, sarcasm, hate, and much more. I forgave and moved on. I overcame my past by allowing God to have control of my present and future. Why is it so hard for me now? Why is forgetting getting harder with time? I should be a pro at forgiving and forgetting, but with each passing day I feel me slipping farther and farther into a black hole of hurt and anger. I feel suffocated at times. I feel there is no way out.
I need you Holy Spirit to help me. I need you to guide me into all truth and wisdom. I need your peace and joy to take me to new heights. I need your strength to carry me in the weak areas of my heart. My heart is so ugly and full of disappointment. But you come and create a clean heart. You wipe away the tears and bring healing. I accept the Blood of Jesus to wash away every ounce of hurt, disappointment, resentment, bitterness, anger, and all the emotional scars that went with it. Jesus, forgive me for not being more like you. Forgive me for the complaining and whining and the gossipping. Forgive me of the unforgiveness. Forgive me and wash me clean. Remove the stain until you remain.
I pray peace over my enemies. I pray love and acceptance over them. I pray truth and compassion to be their companions. Let the Love of Christ reign in their hearts and in their lifes.